I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
