The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
false alarm, still single
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