in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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