I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
