DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I AM VODKA MAN
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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