Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I faked an abortion last night.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
