Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
