Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
