i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Please don't give away my fajitas
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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