I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
