All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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