He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
