things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
