ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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