i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
