Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
