Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
