So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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