Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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