there's paper in my vomit.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
