Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
