On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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