First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
