but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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