Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
