I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
