Apparently you make a good broom.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
