apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Vodka?
Forever.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
