i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
