What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
