Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
