new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
