I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
