the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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