??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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