We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
