"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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