I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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