Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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