She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
