ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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