his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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