I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
