i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
