you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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