Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
