I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
