i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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