at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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