Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
