I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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