very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
