Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
His hands were made for my vagina.
organizing the empties. That sober.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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