Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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