Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
