You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
