I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
