I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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