remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
